Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Help on the Journey

In the book "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life" the authors talk about this idea of carrying your own backpack versus carrying boulders. Here is my paraphrase... Everyday life is filled with ups and downs. We all have annoyances and bumps in the road that we are to deal with - this is our own backpack to carry.

Then there are times in life when you have to deal something major. Something you can't deal with on your own and you need the help of others - those events are the boulders of life.

My issue is I like to stuff the boulders of life in my backpack and try to walk on my own. I look at those around me and say, "I got it!! I don't need any help. I'm doing alright." Then as I try to step forward the weight of the boulder starts to crush me.

Oh, I'm pretty good at keeping up the facade that things are going well. I will work hard on that image. However, those closest to me (like Dan, Luke, and Maddie) feel the effects of my crushing. They are on the receiving end of my lack of patience, the curtness, tiredness, and the anger. Those I love and care for the most get the worst. This is so unfair to my family and my behavior makes me so sad.

At the beginning of this thyroid journey, my wonderful friend and co-worker, Jill, encouraged me to let others help. Let people pray for me and let them help me carry this burden to lighten my load. Life has handed Jill some huge boulders in her young life and I've had the privilege to watch her deal with those in an amazing way. So, I pretty much view her as an expert and decide to take her advise. If not for my own sake, for my family's.

It hasn't been easy for me to let people help. Sometimes I've felt like Maddie (who is two), "I'll do it myself!" Sometimes I thought allowing myself the margin to hurt and heal was too extravagant...too much of a luxury. Like I'm buying myself a mansion or something. Oh, to live in my head...

I'm so thankful God let me see how unhealthy my coping skills can be. I'm so grateful for Jill's advise, encouragement, and example. I have learned so much through this process. I'm so thankful for the amazing help that I've had on this journey. This boulder did not crush me because many hands made light work!

So extremely grateful!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Surgery Update

Well, I'm on the backside of surgery and recovering nicely. The surgery on Friday was--well--surgery. What can I say? It's never pleasant having an organ removed from your body. However, I found the experience much more doable once we had the pain under control. Phew!

On Tuesday, I got the pathology report and the thyroid did have a cancerous tumor. So, the good news was we didn't remove a healthy organ for not. The bad news was we were now dealing with the "C" word. Ugh!

I meet with my endocrinologist this morning and she informed me that she didn't see a need for the standard treatment which is radioactive iodine. Since she caught the tumor when it was so small, and considering my age, my health, and family history the risks of radioactive iodine outweighed the benefits. Yahoo!! To say I'm excited would be a slight understatement!

The taming of the medication beast begins tomorrow. It turns out the functions your thyroid performs for you are kind of important. Bet you never even thought to say thanks, have you? :) With that said, modern medicine is pretty fabulous and they have some pretty good meds to pick up the slack of the missing thyroid. Of course being the results orientated gal that I am, I'm glad to have the surgery phase behind me and looking forward to tackling the medication phase. Booyah!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Hope for the Journey

As I was reading "Mere Churchianity" by Michael Spencer (The Internet Monk) this evening, I read a paragraph that nicely described my hope. Here is the paragraph on page 147:
In every moment when I am winning, Jesus is with me. And in every moment when I am losing, Jesus is with me. At any moment when I am confused, wounded, and despairing, Jesus is with me. . . . Because I belong to One whose resurrection guarantees that I will arrive safely home in a new body and be part of a new creation, I miraculously, amazingly, find myself continuing to believe, continuing to move forward, until Jesus picks me up and takes me home.
Friends - this life/world is crazy. There are joys and there are heartaches. There are successes and failures. There are times when life is comfortable and times when it's horribly uncomfortable. There are times when nature is simply breathtaking and times when it's destructive.

My hope is not in my circumstances. My hope is in Christ and eternity spent with God. The God who loved me and rescued me. That's it.

And what a wonderful hope it is!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Upside Down

Just in case my last post made you wonder if I've lost my sense of humor:

Mads likes to put her sunglasses on upside down. She's a crazy girl!!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm angry!

I'm just mad. Like really mad.

I don't want to spend time researching total thyroid removal and thyroid cancer.

I'm upset that I currently have very little room to think about family, friends, and my work. Too much of my energy is being consumed with thinking through decisions and processing conversations with doctors and those who have been on this path.

I'm upset that my normally low amount of patience is completely tapped out. I go from fine to pissed in about two seconds.

I miss having mental and emotional margin. I'm having a hard time rolling with changes. Ugh! My life is too full for all of this!

Annoyed that I feel angry about my situation because I know people around me are struggling with their own challenges.

Physically, I feel fine. In fact, I feel pretty dang good. So, why do I have to have a surgery which will cause me pain and will most likely make me feel like crud for awhile?

Bottom line - I'm grieving the loss of being a pretty healthy person and I'm just angry about it at the moment.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Words for the Journey

Psalm 62:5-7

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

As I went through my scripture memory cards this morning, this verse was the first one I pulled out. How cool is that! This is what my heart is meditating on today as I prepare for my appointment this afternoon.

For those of us who are hurting, waiting, looking for hope - I pray God would grant you rest and hope for today because he is the only one who can.

Thankful for rest!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A Journey...

Hey friends! I know it has been awhile since I've updated here. Life got busy and yada, yada, yada...

But I've begun a little journey and felt this would be the best way to communicate it to the peeps who don't see me everyday but we keep tabs on each other via social media ;)

A couple of weeks ago I had a biopsy done on my thyroid. I received the results on Thursday and it came back as suspicious for papillary carcinoma (cancer). The Endocrinologist has recommended that the thyroid be completely removed and I meet with a surgeon tomorrow afternoon to talk about what is next.

Those are the facts. The feelings?

Well, I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride at the moment. I do a big drop, then I climb up again and realize it's going to be okay, only to ride back down again. This came as a shock to me and I've been processing and trying to wrap my mind around what is ahead of me.

I'm currently stirred but not shaken.

I'm not sure how much I'll blog about this. I plan to and I'm sure there will be Twitter and Facebook updates. Feel free to ask me about how things are going if you want to or feel free to not :) I'm aware this is central in my world but not for everyone else.

Thanks for the prayers, love, and support I've already received. I'm thankful for the amazing community God has provided.

Chat with you soon!